all I can do is pray..............?

So I volunteer to help out with a re-entry workshop, something that is not an issue for me, because I have gone through re-entry issues on multiple occasions. And then I say "put me in anything, I don't care." So I have to write a curriculum for parents talking to their kids, and helping them through their experiences. Yet, I am not a parent, don't really work with kids...ya. And then, beyond that, I perhaps am speaking to a group of parents, as a 22 year old about what they can do as a family...yet this is not what we ever did in my family. My experience usually consisted of telling a few stories to each person, and perhaps sharing some photos with my dad and sister, and no one else would ask. So once again I would speaking on a subject I don't even know about. Needless to say, my overconfidence and willingness to say yes to anything, even when I should perhaps stop and think, has gotten me in shoulder deep.

extraordinary stories, none my own

A few days ago, I sat in a coffee shop with my mentor affectionally known as Barb, and a friend named Luke. As he told the story of the last two years and where God had taken him; some of the recollections of being present when feelings were felt came to mind, and the words rolled in and then out of my mind. It reminded me of when he spoke in the past, when I couldn't move, when all I could physically was listen, because the story was beyond the everyday ordinary into holy extraordinary. Those the words brought me to a place of stillness, and brought together facts I had not known; some of the beauty did not surface immediately.
Tonight, after eating two dinners, an early and then late one; some friends had asked to pull out the Vatican approved "Mother Teresa" movie. I thought lightly of it, and did not mind the idea of watching something with heavy subject matter. I continue to forget that I am not as hardened as I used to be.If I was a Buddhist, Atheist or Hindu, she would be a woman who had strong faith, a radical and champion in her faith, and the causes she continued until her death. I am not, however, and with that came more than just empty words or worldly actions. Though the movie carried it's moments of sentimental editing, the words spoken by the character playing Mother Teresa were humbling. At one point, she was praying, and mentioned her suffering being nothing if it meant people coming to know Christ. At the end of the film, through images of the work that was done during the life of Mother Teresa, a prayer written by St. Francis of Assisi was being said by various characters:

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

My mind flashed back to the conversation in the Starbucks, where Luke mentioned a morning where our group doing ministry had been asked to stand by a flag (each representing a country that was present), and to pray for that country. He said that he sat by the flag for an hour, unable to pray. He asked the Lord why, to which He replied "Because Luke, you don't care, you don't care."
I was struck by my own levels of thought for others. Do I care? What evidence is there of it? I remember seeing, and knowing the suffering that takes place on the streets of various cities. To see a blind man beg on the streets of Bangkok, to know Romanian orphans who feel abandoned, especially by God. Am I willing to experience suffering for others sake as Christ did? Am I willing to let my life not be about me, the easiest sin? The tears came forth then, as they do now.
At another point in the movie (though I am unaware if this truly occurred), a priest had prayed before a surgery Mother Teresa was about to go through, to take his life instead of Mother Teresa, if it be "Your will, Your only will." In the film, he died. My thoughts turned towards my posessions, towards my conception of everyday, tomorrow, of my perceptions of marriage, of the call on my life. Have I really been worrying about school? About buying this cd or getting a haircut?
I am incapable of loving in the capacity God has called me to. And sharing in Christs suffering goes beyond my heart; and the perceptions of a feel good Christianity fly and fall flat next to this. Though hard, though far reaching, this is the vibrancy of Christ. And though these feel like words coming from my trembling hands, I know that living in Him is loving as He does, seeing as He does, and suffering as He does.
At church this past weekend, the pastor challenged the preconceived notions often present in believers lives. Saying with a smile and asking to know God's will. "Do we really want to know God's will?" was the question he kept asking. And often that carries what we don't anticipate, what we might not want, not what we think we need, or want, and would kick and scream-or run and hide if we really knew.
I don't believe there are accidents, or coincedences. The Starbucks talk, the church talk, nor the Mother Teresa movie all lining up to remind me about who I am. "A pencil in the hand of God," as said in the movie.

logical meltdown

You know the moment when completely caught off guard by a statement of fact, a decision, something that affects you completely and yet you had no control, no say in it, it feels like you were slapped awake from a dream, and you have to shake off what was once in your head to the reality before you.
After years of trying to sell their flower shop, my mother and stepfather are glad to be rid of it. And this frees them to move, to get new jobs, to not be self employed and have some sense of weight of duty lifted from them. After years of talking about her desire to move to Washington, my mother might finally have her dream. I can't be sad about this, well, in regards to them- I know the change will be a relief for them. But when I was told, my mind went blank and reverted to what it always does- "okay, possibility A, possibility B,C,D,E; or maybe part of A and C" until my logic carries me to the best conclusion, and I choose from there. At least that was what carried me through so many years of time. And this time, well, this time it's different.
My life already carried it's uncertainties, with leaving the church I was attending, with feeling at odds with school. And yet, for some time now, I have felt the desire to stay here and finish school here. I prayed and felt like I should finish what I started, that the skills gained would not be in vain, and the stability of some routine. It was, and remained until now the most logical conclusion. I had prayed months ago to move to Washington, and to do an internship with my old college pastor at his new church. I could intern and work, and wait out the year until the non-resident fees passed and then I could be considered a Washington resident and pay as much as everyone else. But then it seemed I was interning at a church for the sake of time, rather than a call and real desire. That was also when I made enough money working to live with my dad without it being any real burden to him. And since then, God led me to quit my job, to leave my old church, and once again renew my views in light of his control of my life. I will be making enough money to "make it by" in light of the current living situation I am in with my mother and stepfather, not in terms of living with my father who rents a room out of a condo and is saving up for retirement.
Every one of my logical conclusions has been defeated in one way or another, and I find that my normal fallback would mean I would not be placing my life and faith in God's hands.
It amazes that at this point, in this moment, that this is what is placed before me. And at the same time, that God knew it was coming. God was never blindsided by it all, never surprised, caught off guard, shocked, or nearly in tears. He has my adventure in His hands.

I wonder about all the things I have prayed about. Since I have so much more to fear, there is that much more reason to have faith? Since my life is changing in a way that I had not predicted, will my prayers become more real? And since my sense of control, since it has been slowly taken away, will I now even more know that my life is out of my hands? (We can all say this, but does it truly resonate?) My humaness trembles and my spirit rejoices. Here the praying begins.